Time to stop worrying: the start of my new life
September 26, 2008
I haven’t written here for so long, such is the hectic nature of my job. Yet things have spiralled downwards uncontrollably. In fact, the past six months have been as painful and impossible as I can remember. Worse still, for no apparent reason.
Well, I say that. There are countless reasons for the misery I have been in. Top of the list is the job, though that in itself is showing signs of improving, but mostly it is my social phobia. If someone came up to me and said: “I have an idea. Why don’t we go paragliding off a cliff next weekend?” I would jump at the chance, if you’ll excuse the pun. I’d be nervous, certainly. I’d shake like a leaf. But the thrill of doing it, and the fact it’s a lifelong dream, would far outway the nerves.
And yet, if I have to walk through an office full of people, a pub full of people, or board a bus full of people, I feel as though I’m about to die. Or rather, I wish I could die; I wish the floor would open up and let me (and only me) take sanctuary in its dark belly, hiding my face from the onlookers. I blush uncontrollably. My heartrate, even sitting at a desk, is equivalent to that of someone lightly jogging up a gentle incline. I’m lost, confused and frightened beyond all belief when I’m enclosed in the office, and it’s something that has not simply become part of my life: the feeling owns it completely.
I’ve had some time to reassess things, and now is the time to act. If I don’t, I might as well not bother doing anything with my life, let alone fulfil it. So I’ve bought, and have begun to read, Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. I’ve only read a few pages so far, but already feel a little more free and hopeful. In it, Carnegie suggests keeping a diary about how the book has influenced me, which sentences or paragraphs I think most apply, and – most importantly of all – to note down when I stray from my new regime of not worrying. And so, dear reader – I’m talking to myself when I say that – that is what I shall endeavour to do.
One day, in a time far in the future, people won’t worry. They won’t panic. They won’t have to, or need to, so long as they have a family and a roof over their heads. After all, what more do we need?
Filed in anxiety, hope, life
Tags: blushing, buses, dale carnegie, depression, future, offices, panic, past, worry, worrying
November 16, 2008 at 1:49 am
I used to suffer from too much self-consciousness, and found two things; one, it improves with age and just exposure to people in general. Also, it might help to consider the fact that excessive self-consciousness is a kind of undue arrogance, really. Why would they all find you interesting enough to divert their attention from whatever else is going on in their lives and focus on you? What makes you that important, or captivating, even if in the ghastly way you fear? I honestly believe that many overly self-conscious people are also to some extent solipsists. I’m not saying you are, but one thing that can no nobody any harm is to try to take a greater interest in the world around you than the ruminations and goings-on in your own head. The world is enormous. Study a subject that interests you. Subscribe to a current affairs magazine. Read the biography of an interesting person. Basically, any engaging way to take you out of your own world and to open up to the vastness and diversity of what is actually out there. Once you focus on without rather than within, the emphasis on yourself is taken away, and you can then place yourself in the bigger picture. I also believe that profound, life-changing events often rid people of excessive self-consciousness, simply because it’s like a seismic shift which switches your way of thinking. All at once, you see things in perspective for the first time.
Fear of ridicule is also something behind social phobia, and again, something which is cured by exposing yourself as much as possible to the situations you dread most. It’s the avoidance that f**ks you up in the end. Being brave and facing things head-on is the cure.
I recommend you the book cognitive behavioral therapy for dummies – contains some genuinely really good ideas for dealing with these issues and changing your thought patterns.
Also – exercise. It has become my religion. Nothing works so well for me. Good luck!
November 16, 2008 at 2:02 am
I used to suffer from too much self-consciousness, and found two things; one, it improves with age and just exposure to people in general. Also, it might help to consider the fact that excessive self-consciousness is a kind of undue arrogance, really. Why would they all find you interesting enough to divert their attention from whatever else is going on in their lives and focus on you? What makes you that important, or captivating, even if in the ghastly way you fear? I honestly believe that many overly self-conscious people are also to some extent solipsists. I’m not saying you are, but one thing that can no nobody any harm is to try to take a greater interest in the world around you than the ruminations and goings-on in your own head. The world is enormous. Study a subject that interests you. Subscribe to a current affairs magazine. Read the biography of an interesting person. Basically, any engaging way to take you out of your own world and to open up to the vastness and diversity of what is actually out there. Once you focus on without rather than within, the emphasis on yourself is taken away, and you can then place yourself in the bigger picture. I also believe that profound, life-changing events often rid people of excessive self-consciousness, simply because it’s like a seismic shift which switches your way of thinking. All at once, you see things in perspective for the first time.
Fear of ridicule is also something behind social phobia, and again, something which is cured by exposing yourself as much as possible to the situations you dread most. It’s the avoidance that f**ks you up in the end. Being brave and facing things head-on is the cure.
I recommend you the book cognitive behavioral therapy for dummies – contains some genuinely really good ideas for dealing with these issues and changing your thought patterns.
Also – exercise. It has become my religion. Nothing works so well for me. Good luck!