One day

Right. Two things to get off my chest. I’ve forgotten the first one, so I’ll have to begin with the second.

Relationships and love.

Just what is it the drives some of us to be with someone? Is it the companionship? The sex; the physical entwining and sharing of an intimate, unique moment? Is it so that we conform to society (a matter which is becoming less important these days, with singletons in their 30s, gay marriages and so on)? Or is it simply a primal human urge to mate, and to show/receive affection?

It’s probably all the above – or is it for me, anyway. I’m single at the moment, and am not sure where my next girl will come from. I’m a young attractive guy in his twenties in a successful (and might I say, appealing) career and industry. Yet the demons in my head prevent me from happiness. I want a girlfriend. I need a relationship. Yet, put me in one and I panic. Why? Is this a standard masculine flaw that all men suffer? If so – at last! I do conform to society! Or is, as I suspect, just me being me; me being nervous, frightened; lacking self-esteem, bereft of confidence, terrified of the possibility of feeling in love.

And yet it drives me onwards, forever dangling a carrot in front of my eyes, leading me on to find her. And I will. But, wow, the waiting is killing me.

One day…

Depression, pressure or both?

Thanks for the comments to my previous post. I’m alarmed that people read my inner most thoughts but comforted by your kind thoughts. I can’t reply to them given my job position, but I assure you I am hugely grateful.

I’m still here, still low and getting lower – but I’m now more and more convinced that it is the pressure of life, and my job, which is causing all this. I can’t cope with it.  And yet, through all this, I remain unbelievably passionate, ambitious and hopeful of change. I know it will happen. I am convinced all the dreams I fantasise about will, one day, come true. Naive optimism, or a crutch to lean on? Both perhaps.

But I can’t go on much more like this. Not only is my mental stability worryingly wobbly, but physically my health is suffering. As ever, a job change is ridiculously stressful – and I can’t change jobs until I find a new one. But if that’s what it takes, that is what I shall do.  A quote from – I don’t know who – but it’s apt:

If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies