Safely cradled by depression once more
May 9, 2007
I’ve realised these notes here on my blog will only ever be dark, wistful notes of longing. A journal of depression perhaps. I only write in it when I’m at my lowest ebb, it seems, so maybe it’s encouraging that there are so few posts to read, and encouraging that there are such big gaps between them.
I’m back. Back into the darkness, safely cradled by depression’s warm, comforting blanket of rigidity. It is one of the most inexplicable feelings that I’ve come across, how painful the depression is and yet how comforting. It’s familiar and safe; the low is so drastically severe, a feeling so unique and stark, that it can only serve to amaze me at its power. I guess in some ways I’m at its mercy, which is rather pathetic.
All of this, of course, is complete rubbish. Yes it does feel comfortable in a blankety sort of way, but surely I’m just excusing myself. Or something.
It’s been going on for about six weeks or so, gradually declining with each day and feeling more and more helpless and worthless. All I think about these days is running away on my own to a foreign city, where I’ll sit in a cafe and write things like this. Just write. Observe and write. I can’t cope with the pressures and stress of my job, which in itself is an irony as it’s undoubtedly my dream occupation. There’s not a lot of hope for the man who, presented with his dream, can’t handle either the good side or the flip.
So, what have I done? I’ve done what I never thought I would and written down, on five sheets of A4, my goals. I have demanded the cosmos to order them to me. I do feel oddly relieved or enlightened for having admitted five of my most pressing desires (love is first. Financial security and ridding myself of debt second. The other three, well, no need to publicise them here). I am a big believer in positive thinking, but the worst practitioner: most of my thoughts are negative, grey, looking back at the past and not enough to the future. I’m too cynical, too envious of other people’s happiness – and look at me as a result. I’m a mess, and a sad, pathetic one at that too.
I can’t just flick a switch and make me positive, make me think happily and positively. But that’s exactly what I need to do if I’m ever to balance my life or achieve what I want to.
Right now, I just want to curl up and never wake up again. If I don’t, and if my family ever reads this, I love you both more than I could ever express.
May 13, 2007 at 7:05 am
People do say depression feels comfortable, although it never does to me – which I guess makes me an anomaly. Feeling like running away on my own to a foreign city, where I’ll sit in a cafe and write, I *always* want to do that … and it isn’t even a sign of depression … and in fact I do it whenever possible!
Anyway, I hope your pain lifts soon.
May 13, 2007 at 9:01 pm
Thought you’d given up on this blog ages ago! haven’t checked it myself for a while. I can see you’re in a dark place. Furthermore I can see it’s not SAD, because that eases off in Spring. You’re right that this blog will only ever be a journal of depression, because it’s one way you deal with feeling down. It does sound like you’re capable of writing more than a diary of depression though, so why not give it a go? This stuff helps you get your thoughts down, as does writing down your goals, which is great, but try and channel the creativity you appear to have into something productive. Remember, much of the best literature there is is pretty dark. Also, did you know that depression and creativity are strongly interlinked? Google it. Many of our best artists, novelists, thinkers suffered from the black dog. Channel it properly, and it can inspire.
Ok, you’re thinking negatively. You know this is a symptom, so just remember that its a distortion of your normal cognitive state. It’s not fair of you to beat yourself up for feeling bitter about other people’s happiness, etc… you are feeling this way because you are depressed; this is not the way you usually think. Just always remember that, and you’ll be ok. It tricks you into thinking you are always like this, always have been, always will, but nothing can be further from the truth. Depression and a normal state of being are like two lands separated by hills – you cannot see one from the other. When in one, you cannot even remember what the other was like – thats the nature of it. There are lots of things you can do that will, without doubt, help; exercise is a big one. Exercise, time outdoors in sun and daylight. Never turn down any kind of social invitation if you can help it – even if you don’t feel you can face it; just go. Read a lot, take in a lot of culture. And this is an important one; depression is solipsitic, even onanistic thing; its all about you, self-analysis, self-consciousness, focus on the self. If you focus more on the world around you, other people, events and things outside yourself, this will help. half the problem is thinking too much. you think too much when you’re not properly occupied. And if you happen to be depressed when you’re not busy, your thoughts will only be negative. Get out of your head, and open your eyes to the world around you.
I hope this has helped. If you want to talk, let me know, ok? A
June 8, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Well you seem pretty smart, Ali! It is funny: I learned to be depressed from psychotherapy, where I went to find out how to deal with bullies (I did not know, and was not even aware enough at the time to pose the question so clearly). The therapist heard about my way of living – which was just about verbatim what you recommend – and said it was “denial.” I more or less destroyed my life to please him, and I still feel tentative / guilty about having a nice day. It is therefore useful to come across any sort of comment, from anyone, that says it is all right.
Grey Man, I still like this post. And I assume that since there is no other – you are doing OK, right? I hope so.
June 12, 2007 at 10:46 am
Hey Profacero,
I think in many cases there are sound arguments against therapy, which I won’t go into in detail. Basically, when depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, to pick apart your past or your life looking for reasons for it, to analyse your insecurities, to relive all the worst times of your life to see how they may have ‘damaged’ or ’scarred’ you can be hugely counterproductive. Depression by its very nature makes you think there are a hundred things wrong with you, that you are flawed, tainted, all the rest of it. What’s often needed is to simply recognise: I am ill. This is not how I normally am – my cognitive process are disrupted and I am seeing everything through a negative filter. Then you take steps to combat depression – exercise and the rest of it. The therapist, however, will approach you as if these perceived problems are an inherent part of you, of your makeup, which is misleading and damaging. Depression does not always have reasons or roots; it can be caused simply by lack of sufficient daylight.
Trust your own instincts, not those of a psychotherapist. A good one, recognising signs of genuine depression with no obvious cause, will refer you to treatments for depression. A bad one will encourage you to have session after session analysing things in your life that are probably better NOT thought about in your current state of mental distortion, but rather when you feel level-headed, rational, and not irretrievably pessimistic.
Oops, hope you’re doing alright – let us know! You’re never alone in this world.
A
June 12, 2007 at 10:49 am
Profacero, it’s an outrage that your ‘therapist’ accused you of being in denial simply because you were healing yourself by the best means possible. He sounds like a sorry quack, and probably wanted your money. Anybody who would advise against getting on with your life and indulging in healthy pursuits does not deserve a second of your attention. I hope you’re doing better now.
June 13, 2007 at 5:57 am
Hi Ali and thanks – and yes, I escaped the ‘therapist’ and improved. I think he was just inexperienced and also, was from a very different culture (same country, but a large one) than I. I was hard to interpret for him. Ironically, where I live now is where he was from, now that I know something of the culture here, I see where he got some of his assumptions, and how hard they would have been for him to shake. From my side, I really did not realize who I was talking to.
His schtick could have been called, “Lessons in Negative Thinking” (although he called it “realism” and “health”). Once I figured out what the lens I had learned (from him) to see things through was a distorted one, I became able to take a distance from it, dismantle it.
I did try SSRI’s, on the “chemical imbalance” theory but what they seemed to do, basically and oddly, was just stop thought. *That* was downright depressing: oh no! I do not seem to be able to think any more! I cannot sustain an idea, finish a book etc., or go into a deep meditative state either! I am only floating along the surface! I have lost contact with myself!
Disturbing. Changing the kinds of sentences I was saying to myself – getting back to what, before ‘therapy’, I would have called a realistic view on things – worked better.
What is interesting to me, though, in depression, is that it gets hard to identify distortions for what they are. I figured out, though, that in my case, they have physical symptoms: my back hurts. I figured out that if it does, it’s because I’m not thinking straight. !
Hi Gray Man!
June 14, 2007 at 4:39 am
P.S. Ali – your comment about illness flashed up at me today while I was doing some unrelated work. It was: aha! I get it about depression as illness – it really is
that or at least like that. I had always “understood” or accepted the idea theoretically before but I had not actually *seen* it – which is a different thing. Very interesting.
And P.S. Grey Man – it is true, your writing is really good.
Cheers – Z
June 14, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Thank you all for your fascinating replies, support (and even praise). They are not forgotten. Latest post here
Oops
June 23, 2007 at 6:45 pm
So, hello again you two, I am still theorizing about this. The one way I’d qualify Ali’s suggestions is: they’re a tall order / take a lot of energy if you’re drained. One of the problems I run into when I get into these states is: I know full well what things I can do to Have More Fun, Feel Better, and so on, except that the degree of energy and initiative it takes to do them (living where I do … it would be easier by the sea, in the mountains, or in a city, then all one would have to do is walk out one’s front door) is very great for a depleted person. Then trying to Live Right becomes its own kind of pressure. So I learned to lower expectations slightly: under normal circumstances I might do Three Fun Things, but under depressed circumstances I try to Do At Least One.
June 26, 2007 at 9:09 am
That’s a good point Profacero – it is of course a Catch 22, to motivate yourself to do the things which will heal you at a time when you have less motivation than ever. I agree with you – it’s important be aware that these things WILL make you feel better, but don’t torture yourself if you don’t manage much of it. It’s important not to demand too much, or to punish yourself for not achieving certain things when you’re depressed. Allow yourself some slack, pamper yourself, just loaf about if that’s what you feel like – don’t feel guilty about it.
June 26, 2007 at 6:26 pm
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